Cate Jarvis: Built for Helping Kids in Schools

Welcome back to the POP QUIZ! This is a regular, yet totally unexpected, feature where we ask students, parents, staff, our friends, and partners to answer a few questions about what they are learning, reading, and thinking about. Today we feature Cate Jarvis, School Grief Support Counselor.

Since 2006, CIS has been able to turn to Hospice Care of Southwest Michigan. From the beginning of this partnership, Cate Jarvis, one of Hospice’s School Grief Support Counselors, has been supporting grieving students. She runs eight-week sessions of “Grief 101” in seven to ten Kalamazoo Public School buildings each year. By the end of this school year, she will have held fall, winter, and spring sessions at Hillside Middle School, Kalamazoo Central High School, Loy Norrix High School, Lincoln International Studies School, Washington Writers’ Academy, Woods Lake Elementary, Parkwood Upjohn Elementary, Milwood Magnet Middle School, Woodward School for Technology and Research, and Prairie Ridge Elementary School.

Originally from Detroit, Cate was surprised to find she had made her way to Kalamazoo. “I grew up in the city of Detroit and everything was there,” she says. “I didn’t know that there was anything past Ann Arbor!” Cate holds degrees from Western Michigan University, a bachelor in Family Studies and Masters in WMU’s Counselor Education and Counseling Psychology. We met up with Cate at Walnut & Park Cafe in downtown Kalamazoo.

Alright, Cate Jarvis: pencil out, eyes on your own paper. Good luck.

Pop Quiz

There are many definitions of grief out there. Author and undertaker Thomas Lynch says, “Grief is the price we pay for being close to one another. If we want to avoid our grief, we simply avoid each other.” How do you define grief?

Grief is a natural process that you go through when you have lost someone or something. Not just death of loss of a loved one, but it could be losing one’s sense of safety and losing a sense of how one functions in the world due to a variety of things: incarceration, foster care, recent changes in home or school. Who am I going to be without this person? Who is going to take care of me? In that process of grieving, you can feel many different emotions, such as anger confusion, sadness, and relief.

Then why is it, when grief is a natural process, does it seems we have a tendency in this society to rush past or avoid grief? Even the very terms we use when referring to grief, like “get over it,” suggest we want to quickly brush it aside. Is this an accurate perception? If so, what do we lose out on by not fully embracing loss?

I think that’s an accurate perception. It’s not a comfortable subject to discuss, so often, people just don’t. What do we lose out on not embracing hope? That’s a good question. Two of the big one’s we potentially lose out on is resilience and the ability to be connected to other things and people. …We go through grief because we are connected.

When it comes to grief, you never get over it. You live with it. You let it be. Sometimes grief is going to be more and sometimes it’s going to be less.

What does a grieving child look like? How does grief manifest itself differently in children than in adults?

In kids, usually you see behaviors like withdrawing, sadness, and anger. They may appear worried and a lot of times you see an underlying agitation—they can’t sit still and may get frustrated easily. Adults can have these same behaviors but they have more life experience and cognitive ability to keep that contained. You may see crying with both kids and adults, as well as depression, substance abuse, a sense of hopeless, anxiety and worry, and a stressed-out presence.

With adults, they may believe that their grief will be a burden to someone. I see this in the teen years but not with the younger children. That makes sense: as we get older, we take in societal messages about how we should or should not express our grief. We learn that often people don’t know how to respond. And so, in some instances, we may try and keep that burden to ourselves.

How should we respond to someone who is grieving?

Acknowledge the loss. Acknowledging is better than not acknowledging it. Saying something is better than not saying anything at all.

In talking recently with a mother whose adult child is dying, I was reminded that grieving is hard work. She was exhausted. She mentioned that she could easily be consumed by her grief. One way she was trying to keep this from happening was consciously trying to be more child-like in the way she was dealing with her grief. You know, how sometimes kids seem to be sad one moment and then minutes later they are laughing and enjoying something. Grownups, on the other hand, may feel guilty. How is it that I can feel joy or happiness in this time of sadness?

Yes, kids can compartmentalize their grief. With grief, kids dip their toe in the water a bit. You might be giving a long explanation to a question they’ve asked about the loss they are experiencing and then they are like, So what’s for dinner? They process information differently than adults. Adults process it all the time, whereas kids are processing it in chunks of time.

… I like that idea of being childlike with grief, that’s probably very healthy. Giving yourself space, time, love, and self-care, it’s important to do that. People who are grieving need a break from grief.

As you’ve been working with children over the years, any surprising insights about loss or grief?

It’s surprising the amount of grief and losses that a young child or teenager experiences…It also makes you realize that we are made for it.

You’re saying we’re built for grief.

Think about it. Think of the losses you’ve experienced throughout your life. If you took those out, what would be left? I realize that’s a philosophical way to look at it, but it is stunning to consider how much loss our kids endure. It is endurance; it’s a marathon.

Think of a child—elementary school age—who has witnessed her mom being arrested. So she goes to live with her granny, and then a few years later, when she’s in middle school, her granny dies. That right there is a lot of loss to deal with…

I’ve been doing this work for so long—and that is one of the great things about our partnership with CIS in the schools—is that I will see this student when they are in elementary school. CIS may again refer that student when they are in middle school or again in high school. Grief and loss is processed at developmental levels. So what a child may experience as a third grader, they may struggle with that loss again—in a different way—as a teen in junior high school, and then again in high school.

That loss keeps coming back up is a common and natural part of the grieving process. Say that student is now a senior. Senior year, everything changes. There are many milestones, they are getting ready to graduate, and the very people who are supposed to be there and help them navigate and celebrate these milestones aren’t there. They are missing their mom who isn’t there to guide them through the process. It can be overwhelming.

What are you currently reading?

The Invisible Man by H.G. Wells and Mindfulness for Teens by Dzung Vo. I just finished reading The Warmth of Other Sons by Isabel Wilkerson. Put that on your to-do list if you haven’t read that yet. It’s about the great migration and told from three vantage points.

Any favorite places in our community?

Southwest Michigan Land Conservancy’s public preserves, like the Portman Nature Preserve. Also, Al Sabo Land Preserve.

Favorite word?

It’s more like a phrase: let it be.

We can learn to let grief be. Not everything is fixable and that’s okay. There is a big word that captures this idea somewhat, and that is acceptance. But I don’t like that word.

What is something interesting you’ve recently learned?

I’ve learned about Bondi Beach in Australia. It’s somewhere I want to go. It’s east of Sydney and there is a whole culture to it. Big surf, big waves. Looks like a good time.

Behind every successful person is a caring adult. Who has been your caring adult?

I would say it has not been just one person, but rather a collective, usually always women and they are either my age or a little older than me. They give me perspective and offer somewhat of a mentoring relationship, but it’s not an official mentoring relationship. These women have a little bit more life experience than I do, and they walk me in off the edge. I respect their opinion and insight. I appreciate that they have faith in me.

Thank you, Cate, for hanging out with us at Ask Me About My 12,000+ Kids.

Learn more about Cate and what she has to say about the Hospice partnership with CIS in our upcoming CIS Connections.

YOUTH HAVE LOTS OF LOVE FOR THE HATE YOU GIVE

It was exciting to learn that this year’s Reading Together book is written by author Angie Thomas, the inaugural winner of the Walter Dean Myers Grant 2015. [Ask Me About My 12,000 Kids featured Walter Dean Myers and his 2013 “Reading is Not Optional” visit to Kalamazoo in this post, “Finding Words in Your Pockets.”]

Even more exciting is that Thomas’ book, The Hate U Give, is resonating with our youth. CIS After School Coordinators Phillip Hegwood, Shannon Jones, and Katherine Williamson incorporated the Reading Together Book as part of CIS programming. Hegwood, who oversees CIS afterschool at Maple Street Magnet School says part of the reason for such a strong and positive response from students is due to the powerful themes woven throughout The Hate U Give, themes such as isolation, privilege, racism, violence, and activism.

Here’s what two students from Hillside Middle School told us about how the book has impacted them and what, if given the chance, they would ask the author. (Their school also selected The Hate U Give as their all-school read.) And they just might get the chance! Angie Thomas will be in Kalamazoo on Wednesday, April 17, 2019 at 7 pm to talk about her book. More information on this event noted below.

 

I’d ask, “Is this a true story? What aspects of this story happened to you?”

I’m gaining some insights from reading her book. You know, like the main character in the book, she is scared to speak up at first. But something I’ve discovered is that it’s important to speak up. Don’t be scared to say what’s right!

-Zechariah, 8th grade, Hillside

 

I would ask Angie Thomas, “How were you able to do this so well? How were you able to compare real life to the life you have created in your book?” She really was able to capture real life—and the world of black and white—so real-like. How was she able to do that?

Reading and seeing the movie, The Hate U Give, is the luckiest thing that has ever happened to me. That book by Angie Thomas has really helped me and has given me more courage…I have two copies of the book and watch parts of the movie almost every day!

-Annie, 7th grade, Hillside Middle School

 

“When we read together, we grow together.” This is essentially the motto of Kalamazoo Public Library’s Reading Together program. The Hate U Give, this year’s Reading Together book, is doing just that. So, let’s keep growing together! Please note that the event, originally scheduled to be held at Chenery, will now be at Miller Auditorium. Following Angie Thomas’ talk will be a book signing, with Bookbug/this is a bookstore selling copies of The Hate U Give and On the Come Up, Thomas’ newly-released second book. Hopefully, you have already RSVPd by now. Due to seating capacity, RSVPs are no longer able to be accepted at this time.

Young Leader Oriented Towards the Future

Welcome back to the POP QUIZ! This is a regular, yet totally unexpected, feature where we ask students, parents, staff, our friends, and partners to answer a few questions about what they are learning, reading, and thinking about. Today we feature Zechariah, an eighth grader at Hillside Middle School.

Zechariah and his family moved from Noblesville, Indiana, to Kalamazoo when he was in third grade. He finished out his elementary education at Lincoln Elementary School and now, as an eighth grader, is looking forward to starting Kalamazoo Central High School this fall.

CIS Site Coordinator Jody Sikkema has known him since his elementary years. She says, “Ever since I’ve known Zechariah, he has been a respectful, thoughtful, and nice kid. It is wonderful to see how he has grown into a leader.” In addition to working hard in school, Zechariah is a WEB [Where Everybody Belongs] leader, using his leadership skills to orient and support sixth graders at his school.

Alright, Zechariah: pencil out, eyes on your own paper. Good luck.

Pop Quiz

What is something you’ve recently learned?

I learned this a couple days ago, that when people talk to me, it’s good to be patient and wait. You don’t want to rush it.
I have patience, but when I’m mad, I get really mad. But not for long, though.

Favorite Subject?

Math.

Any favorite teachers?

Ms. [Heather]Hart [now Heather Ballines], my fifth grade teacher at Lincoln. Also, Mr. [Gregory] Orr. He’s been my social studies teacher in sixth and seventh grade. I really like how, when he gave us assignments, he’d break down the work to where everybody could understand it.

How has CIS figured into your educational experience?

In lots of ways it has. Mentor-wise, work-wise, and how I’m feeling-wise. CIS asks you how you are and make sure you have what you need. If I need something, I can turn to Ms. Jody. She’s like a mentor to me. She is very caring, respectful, and has a lot of patience. Also, she’s hard working. She is a person I can go to for anything.

I really appreciate the focus on careers. With Ms. Jody, we’ve had some good discussions. She’s open-hearted, gives honest feedback and I like that. We talk about career stuff, she’ll ask questions, share steps we need to take, and based on what we want to pursue, will tell us about different colleges.

What are you currently reading?

The Hate U Give, as part of our all school read.

[In a few weeks, find out right here at Ask Me About My 12,000+ Kids what Zechariah and other students would ask the author, Angie Thomas, if given the chance. And they just might! The Hate U Give was also selected as the 2019 Reading Together Book. Thomas is coming to Kalamazoo on Wednesday, April 17 to talk about her book with the community at 7 p.m. at Miller Auditorium. A book signing will follow. Admission is free.]

What is your favorite word right now?

Technology. I want to eventually go to school for computers and technical engineering. I was thinking Western Michigan University, but I’m not sure yet.

Any particular interests or hobbies?

I like to be on the go, to travel and go places, like to Indianapolis. Sometimes, I just like to hang out and be on my electronics.

Behind every successful person is a caring adult. Who has been your caring adult?

My mom, Ms. Jody, and my grandma. My mom, she keeps me going and motivates me. She went to college, she’s succeeded and wants me to do the same. As for my grandma, I like that she likes to see the good in me. And just like my mom, she also succeeded in school and college.

Thank you, Zechariah, for hanging out with us at Ask Me About My 12,000+ Kids.

Zechariah with CIS Site Coordinator Jody Sikkema

What Do You Love?

We know you love seeing kids succeed. We do too! What else do you love? We polled a few CIS staff. Here is what they said: 

“I love my new apartment, my independence and all these new possibilities that come with that: with designing and laying things out just how I want. I get to be unapologetically me.”

-Laurin Mathis, Administrative Assistant

“I love spring board and platform diving. I was a diver in high school and college. I’m soon to be training for tower diving.”

-Phillip Hegwood, CIS Afterschool Coordinator

Musical theater!”

-Nicky Aiello, Volunteer and Development Coordinator

“Music and playing guitar.”

-John Oliver, Director of Quality and Evaluation

“A really good book. As I look over the course of my life, it is so enriched by reading.”

-Pam Kingery, Executive Director

“First of all… I love my daughter with all of my heart and soul and am very proud to be her mother. I love all of my family, even with our differences. I love my friends who have become part of my family. Last, but not least, I love each and every one of the students I have and continue to come in contact with and support through my work at KPS and with CIS.”

-Martha Serio, CIS Site Coordinator, Spring Valley Center for Exploration

 “The Great Lakes…still.”

-John Brandon, Partner Services Coordinator

 “I LOVE, my two daughters, Alyssa and Leila.”

-Felicia Lemons, Development Coordinator

 

Come back next week and meet Principal Amira Mogaji, KPS Principal of Northglade Montessori Magnet School. In the meantime, here’s what she shared with us when we asked her this same question:

“Oh, I love so many things! Learning. I know that’s such a principal thing to say, but it’s true. Anybody who knows me knows I love learning. Pizza, too, but I’m gluten-free now.”

Amira Mogaji, KPS Principal, Northglade Montessori Magnet School

As long as we’re on the subject of love, we love you, dear reader and CIS friend! Thank you for putting love into action by sharing your time, talents, and financial gifts with Communities In Schools. Thank you for working with us to help students stay in school and achieve in life.

 

The Gift of Presence

 

“The gift of presence is a rare and beautiful gift. To come – unguarded, undistracted – and be fully present, fully engaged with whoever we are with at that moment.” – John Eldredge

 

 

Winter break is almost here. One of our 12,000+ kids can’t wait. He’s looking forward to spending time with his dad. It’s a good reminder that one of the greatest gifts we can give each other is the gift of ourselves. Holidays can be a fun, yet hectic time. It helps to take a minute and breathe in. Breathe out. And be present.

Wondering what fun things there are for kids to do in Kalamazoo over the winter break? Check out this list of “40+ Things To Do During Winter Break Around Kalamazoo” that KZOOkids pulled together.

And of course, on December 31st from 5:30 p.m. to midnight, there is much to enjoy at the annual New Year’s Fest: music, magic, comedy, exhibitions, fireworks, and food. There will be a ball drop & fireworks at midnight in Bronson Park. For event information, go here.

As the days get darker and colder, the holidays can also be a time of stress. People can be affected by feelings of hopelessness, depression, and negative mood. It’s good to know that Gryphon Place has a 24-hour HELP-Line. If you or someone you know is experiencing a crisis, dial 260-381-HELP (381-4357). There is someone who will listen, help you sort through your thoughts, let you know where you can turn for help or can directly send help to you, to help get you through the moment, the hour, the night.

We’re taking a blogging break at Ask Me About My 12,000 Kids and will return with fresh, weekly posts beginning Tuesday, January 8th. Until then, be present and take care!

Go vote and then read this post.

“Volunteering,” someone once said, “is the ultimate exercise in democracy.”

Why? Because when you choose to volunteer, you vote every day about the kind of community you want to live in.

You join with others to help creating a community of hope, one in which all children can fulfill their promise. By giving just one hour a week of your time you help students in Kalamazoo Public Schools:

Stay and succeed in school
Improve in math or reading
Gain self-esteem and confidence
Have food for the weekend
Be ready for college and a career
Fulfill his or her Promise

Did you know that you are one of 43,000 community volunteers throughout the CIS network who, in 2016-2017, donated your time to 1.56 million students served by 131 affiliated organizations in 25 states and D.C.?

Thank you for casting your support of our 12,000+ children.

Interested in joining forces with our fabulous volunteers? You can change the life of a young person right here in your community by signing up today

Five Fun Fall Facts

Here’s a list of five fun fall facts to enjoy while you sip your pumpkin spice latte or other favorite fall beverage.

One.

This past September, the national organization of Communities In Schools welcomed NBA Hall of Famer Shaquille O’Neal as the newest member of its national board of directors. “Every kid, no matter where they’re from or how much money their parents make, deserves the opportunity to get a good education,” said O’Neal. “My education was critical to my success on and off the court. Being in school gave me self-discipline and showed me the importance of hard work. I always knew that when my playing days were over, nobody could take my education away from me.”  You can read more here.

Two.

Fall ushers in a number of opportunities for students to participate in sports. However, by middle school, 70 percent of students have dropped out of organized sports. The number one reason? It isn’t fun anymore. The good news is that there is a roadmap to fun. A study a few years back found that being a good sport, trying hardand positive coaching came in as the top three most important factors to having fun in youth sports. Winning ranks near the bottom (coming in at 48 out of 81 identified indicators of fun).

 

Three.

John Brandon, partner services coordinator for CIS of Kalamazoo shares this fact: “Fall is when most of our school supplies are donated, and what we receive during this time will be most of what we have to distribute throughout the school year.”

Four.

What does Michigan have in common with Alabama, New Mexico, Nevada, Idaho, Iowa, and Rhode Island? According to Candy Store.com, candy corn is our number one choice for Halloween candy. In Michigan, Starbursts ranks second, and Skittles third. To see the most popular Halloween candy state-by-state, check out their interactive U.S. map here. As long as we’re on this topic, did you know that candy corn hasn’t always been called candy corn? It was first called “Chicken Feed.” It came in a box with a rooster drawing and the tagline read: Something worth crowing for.

Five.

Here’s a fun fall fact worth crowing about: Communities In Schools is the nation’s largest provider of Integrated Student Supports. (To learn more about our unique model, go here.) That is a fun fact all year round!